9 Hilarious Ways To Survive Meetings That Should Have Been Emails

Sometimes, you just have the misfortune of sitting through a virtual or in-person meeting that should have been an email, or even a Slack or Teams message.

You know the type—the ones where Mary spends 20 minutes talking in circles, Kofo interrupts with “urgent” or “quick” questions that aren’t urgent or even one second close to quick, and your manager drops buzzwords like “synergy” and “low-hanging fruit” like they’re auditioning for a low budget version of a TED Talk. 

Before you start daydreaming about submitting that resignation letter you already drafted and how much you’d enjoy the look on your manager’s face when you tell him/her how much you don’t wish them well, try these tips to survive in meetings that are a total waste of your precious time first. Streets tough abeg.

The Nine Foolproof Methods to Surviving Annoying Meetings

1. Come Prepared But…Not Too Much

Have you seen when soldiers are preparing for battle in a movie, especially those spartan-type films? The way they strap up with armour and helmets? Exactly. That is what you need to do. Bring your armour of a notebook and a pen or maybe your laptop for “note-taking” (we both know you will have an open tab looking up daily 2 odds, Twitter gist or if you are very bold, LinkedIn job postings).

If you know the agenda (assuming there is even one in the first place), look through it beforehand to know what to expect, how long the meeting could take, and what to say if somebody has the audacity to ask you to contribute. But please, oh, don’t over-prepare. If you do too much and behave too eagerly, you might end up being picked to handle tasks from the meeting or, worse - moderate the next irrelevant meeting. 

And between me and you, we know you don’t want that. The goal is to look engaged enough to avoid suspicious looks from your boss but not so engaged that you become the meeting MVP.

2. Master the Art of Looking Like A Serious and Focused Person

In necessary and unnecessary meetings, your face can either work against you or work for you. This is why you need to perfect your “I am paying attention” face. If you wear glasses, even better. You know most Nigerians see people who wear glasses that resemble medicated lenses as serious people. Even if your teammates have never seen you wear glasses, that is their business. Your concern is survival right now, not Victor from Sales or Idowu from Legal’s opinion.

 

During the meeting, nod occasionally, jot down random notes (bonus points if they’re the names of all the people that have wronged you this year and how you are going to do them back), and throw in an occasional “Hmm, good point” to show you’re paying complete attention as the good staff you are.

Extra Pro tip: If you’re in a virtual meeting, keep your camera on and position it so no one can tell you’re actually texting your group chat about how much you hate this meeting, hate working for money, and for goodness’ sake, who has a sure booking code for today?

And if you’re actually present in person? Look at the meeting moderator or whoever is speaking as if you are watching your favourite musician talk about how they made your favourite song. They will never guess your mind is already in the weekend, on your bed, watching Netflix.

 3. Escape Tactics for When You Cannot Manage Again

It will inevitably get to a point where your mind, body and soul cannot manage the meeting anymore. When you start feeling that way, it is time to choose from one of these tactics: 

The Bathroom Break: This is an OG tactic. Excuse yourself to “use the restroom” and take your time there watching reels or TikTok (don’t laugh loud, oh, before you cast yourself). Bonus points if you come back cleaning some sweat with a bottle of water in your hand to make it look legit, and like you were battling with your stomach for dominance.

2. The Fake Emergency: You are a human being with friends and family, so of course, anything can happen at any time, even if it’s a fake emergency. Do you have “an important work call with partners” you need to take? Or an “urgent email from external clients” that just came in? That is the perfect time to step out and breathe fresh air that is not clogged with your coworker’s scents and look at trees and the sky rather than everybody’s tired faces. Just make sure your acting skills are on point, sha, or else you will be caught.

3. The Early Exit: Don’t try this if you are not at least mid-level seniority or management staff. If you are, drop a casual “I have another meeting to hop on” and disappear like a ghost on African magic. Even if your next meeting is with your lunch and that new show on Amazon Prime, it still counts. If you don’t have such management privileges, sorry, my dear, there is no exit for you.

4. Turn The Meeting Into a Game

When all else fails, turn the meeting into a game to keep your already shaky sanity intact. Try any of these games:

1. Buzzworder: For each buzzword mentioned, like “synergy,” “circle back,” and “low-hanging fruit”, see how many new words you can create from them. Give yourself a mental high five for each new word you get.

2. People-Watching: Observe your coworkers around you, or on your screen and guess who is doing what. Who’s nodding off but hiding it? Who’s secretly on their phone scrolling through Twitter/X? Who’s pretending to take notes but is actually drawing stick figures? It’s like watching Big Brother Naija, but with less drama and people shouting at each other, unless it’s your lucky day, and your teammates actually start fighting. Ghen ghen!

3. Daydream Deluxe Edition: Daydreaming in a boring meeting is already a given. However, you can take it up a notch by imagining if you won Miss Universe Nigeria or somehow got a Lamborghini Aventador from Odogwu without even needing to drop so much as a sex video. Dream of the wildest and most extreme ways you can make it, and plan how you will pepper that one coworker who is constantly trying you.

5. Plot Your Revenge on Your Exes

As you sit through yet another pointless meeting, what better way to keep your spirits up than to plot how to ruin your ex’s life, small or plenty, depending on what they did to you. 

The thought of karma coming for your ex like harmattan in December, dry, dusty and wicked? Yes, yes and yessssss. If you need help with plans, here are some things you can do. You can even jot them down in your meeting notes.

• If the shege they showed you was small, drop a vague comment like “Hmm, interesting…” when they post a picture with their new boo and hope it causes problems between them. Or scroll way back to their new partner’s old Instagram post and like it. That one’ll be wondering why you’re suddenly interested in their 2019 trip. Let them overthink till it gives them a headache and maybe even sparks small wahala. 

• If the shege they showed you was gargantuan, just go spiritual. Your weapons of warfare are not carnal, as they say. Just call that one friend who has a plug for everything from betting stake and booking code to where to get the sweetest agbalumo, which also works as kayan mata. They will surely know one or two “babas” to treat your ex’s mess up. Disclaimer: anything that happens when you do that, nobody sent you work o.
  

6. Bring Snacks (Because man shall not live by meeting alone)

Hunger makes everything worse. Just go on Twitter and see how many fights are about food. If you know you are going to be stuck in a long meeting, bring some snacks to keep your energy up. 

Snacks oh, like chin chin, small chops, not rice and stew or efo riro. Please be guided, and also know how to chew quietly. Nobody wants to hear you munching plantain chips while Amaka is giving her 15th PowerPoint slide on “increasing productivity in a new digital world.”

Also, keep a bottle of water, juice or soda nearby. Sipping something can make you look thoughtful and focused. You will also need it to help digest your snacks. If you can’t get snacks, bring sweets and chewing gum. But as we said before, please chew the gum quietly; don’t get carried away and blow bubbles.

7. Use the “Strategic Question” Technique To Speed Things Up

If you’re feeling brave or have lost your ability to care what anybody thinks, ask a question that subtly but definitely moves the meeting along. The goal is to make it seem like you are paying attention and contributing because you care. 

Example 1: “So, what’s the next actionable step we need to take?”

Example 2: “How does this align with our KPIs as a team and company?”

Example 3: “Can we summarize the key points for follow-up?”

If your teammates have enough sense, these questions can help speed up the meeting, and you’ll look like a productive team player. Win-win. If your teammates like to behave anyhow, these questions might end up stretching out the meeting. Good luck sha, it is still worth a try.

8. Practice Your “Silent Scream”

Screaming is therapeutic, but if you do it unprovoked in a meeting, you may end up out of a job, and word spreads fast, especially if you work in an industry like ‘cough cough’ fintech.

Anyway, since you cannot shout externally, picture yourself screaming at the top of your lungs, but keep your face composed. You can even pose like you are covering your hand with your mouth and nodding and use that pose to scream into your hand. 

Bonus Tip: If you’re in a virtual meeting, you can just mute yourself and let out a quick scream. Just make sure your camera is off, you are not in public or where people will be shocked that you are shouting.

 9. Remember: Everything Must End, Even Meetings.

No meeting can last forever, no matter the number of “quick questions”, “circle backs”, and PowerPoint presentations. 

Every 20 minutes, keep reminding yourself that this is just one part of your whole 24 hours. Sooner or later, you’ll be free to do something more enjoyable, like eating isi ewu from that one Surulere spot you discovered last month, cashing out that bet code or watching International break highlights. Anything but being in this soul-crushing meeting.

 

Finally

Surviving meetings that should have been emails is not for the weak, and you are God’s strongest soldier (even though you didn’t sign up for that). So, the next time you find yourself in one, remember: you’re not just surviving a long meeting; you’re sharpening a skill that will serve you well in any office or work environment.

In fact, you can even add to your CV that you have “demonstrated resilience in challenging conditions”.

 And if anyone ever asks you how you maintain your composure during such boring meetings, just smile, say, “Na God, oh!” and keep it moving.